The thing about pregnancy hormones is that they friggin’ WHAMMY you out of nowhere. One minute you’re all well and good, and then suddenly you’re crying so hard you can’t even manage to take in a full breath so you’re doing that weird stutter breathing thing you did as a kid when you couldn’t get control of your emotions.
When we first made the decision to cancel my baby shower and not come home this coming weekend, I was admittedly pretty devastated for a few days. Not only did it mean not getting to celebrate this crazy amazing miracle I’m growing, but it also meant not hugging all my favorite people. Not taking bump pics with all my pregnant friends. Not meeting my friends’ new babies. No chance for my mom to see me really pregnant. No being back in my hometown with my family and friends for a few days. I was heartbroken.
In the month or so since making that decision, I came to accept it. I recognized this wasn’t something that was just happening to me. None of my friends are getting to have their baby showers. People are cancelling weddings. People are alone every single day. Losing jobs. Losing loved ones. It’s devastating for everyone. When I stopped focusing on me, it felt less painful, and knowing it was the safest thing for me and the babe and everyone involved made it all okay.
But pregnancy hormones. Yesterday I was feeling really anxious all day, despite getting to visit my doctor and check on the babe for the first time since February, and a really good report all around – healthy babe, healthy me. Finally last night it hit me, why then, I was feeling so anxious. I was supposed to be on a flight to Oklahoma. To be having dinner with my parents and family. Preparing for a week of catching up with friends, meeting babies and celebrating babies on the way. And WHAMMY. Turns out, I’m still a little, (okay, a lot) sad about all of it. I wasn’t quite as “over it” as I thought I was.
To say that navigating a global pandemic and social isolation is not exactly how I envisioned this pregnancy going would be a huge understatement, but here we are. Most days I’m fine. I trust that God is in control and I know without a doubt that this babe is going to be loved beyond measure by us and everyone who loves us. I know when we hold that sweet baby in our arms, none of it will really matter. But damn if it doesn’t hurt some days.
I’m totally blown away by the generosity of friends and family who, through the magic of Amazon and the USPS, have already basically stocked our entire nursery with everything we might need in a few short months. It’s unbelievable, honestly, and I’m so incredibly thankful. I just wish I could thank and hug everyone in person. And I will someday. But not knowing when that day will be just kind of sucks for now.
Anyway, this is where I’d normally wrap things up with a positive message and do my best to look on the bright side. I don’t really like to be all “woe is me” in this public of a forum, especially knowing people are dealing with much harder and bigger things. But for now, I think I just want you all to know that whatever you’re navigating in this crazy time, if you, like me, find some days to be really tough…that’s okay. And you’re not alone.